Oh Brother.

Another season of Big Brother is upon us. Months of mind-numbing TV involving shallow housemates looking to start their pop career, get a TV spot, or whatever. Excellent, isn’t it? I relish in Big Brother. Don’t worry, I won’t post on BB often. Despite it being insanely popular, I seem to be the only person who watches it.

So, a quick rundown of this year’s cast. My thoughts and opinions are as follows:

The twins, Sam and Amanda. Don’t ask me which is which. Fairly pretty, but they think they’re prettier still; unfortunately, this is where the substance ends. The twins are shallow, indulging in vapid conversation on anything pink or related to boys.

Lesley, at 60 years old, will be the mother of the house who doesn’t really get on with anybody. Then she’ll moan about it, and probably leave within a few weeks. I might be wrong, but on the live feed last night she was walking alone in the garden while the others chatted. We’ll see what happens.

Not only does she have a boy’s name, she bloody well looks like one too (Steve Tyler, in particular). Probably the most instantly selfish and annoying of the housemates. She was immensely disappointed when she realised that there were no boys coming in — presumably she realised that she’d actually have to work to retain friends, rather than simply please the boys to ensure she doesn’t get nominated for eviction. Certainly the least likeable of the lot.

Tracey, a self-styled modern hippy. Colourful, is one way to describe her character, in the best possible way; she comes across as instantly nice, but she’ll be attacked by the other girls because she dares to do what she wants, as opposed to what the popular kiddies in the house want. Could stop saying such annoying phrases as “‘ave it!”, but otherwise ok.

Prides herself in looking, dressing, and being like Victoria Beckham, though I’m not sure why. Her first words in the house were “Fuck me up the bum!” (before she met anybody else), and doesn’t seem to be quite as shallow as the twins, for example. Slightly intelligent and bearable. Only slightly, mind. Potentially bearable in real life, though perhaps only because of her looks.

Obsessed with make-up. Thinks she’s funny, but she’s not actually. She says she enjoys reading on the toilet, which is indeed the seat of kings (or queens, as appropriate). Admits to being selfish. Doesn’t like working, and so is unemployed. Otherwise, there’s little to say on this one, aside from the fact that she tried way too hard when she entered the house.

Emily says she’s not a “rich bitch,” but that’s exactly what she is. She’s a “daddy bought me this” girl, through and through. Reasonably intelligent and pretty, her major fault so far is her attitude.

Laura talks too much. She also eats too much, which she admits freely so I’m not being mean here. One of those people who are genuinely nice, but she’s made little impact so far because of this. She’ll be a slow-burner.

Lacking somewhat in substance, but hates men. Umm, that’s all I can remember. Probably out within the first couple of weeks and swiftly forgotten about.

Probably the biggest character in the house, she’s one of these opinionated but very nice people. She doesn’t have any hope of winning because she’s not pretty, she’s not young, and she’s not willing to tow the line. She will make good viewing, however.

All women, but they’re putting one man in on Friday. It’s off to an interesting start…